15 unassailable restaurant orders
And some rules when ordering for the table
I like to order for the table. More specifically, I hate when someone else tries to order for the table. I’m a known control freak, and I specifically enjoy this kind of meal construction game.
There are restaurants where it makes sense for everyone to get one app and one entree for themselves. I don’t frequent those restaurants often. I’m usually at a spot to try a bunch of stuff and share plates with friends. That’s part of the experience. And I’ve become fairly adept at curating that experience.
I’ve hesitated writing this post for a while because I think that showing up with a preordained order is a mistake. So is texting friends a long list of things they must try. It ruins the romance and magic of the dinner, the flirty back and forth with the waiter, the suspense. It’s IG Reels inspired box-checking in a way I can’t get behind. You don’t want to start off a date with your eyes darting between the menu and the Infatuation app.
But there are places where I’ve locked in a can’t-miss collection of dishes. I’ve listed 15 of them below, spanning New York, LA and Austin. Ordering is an art. Consider this a guide. And if you’re gonna give it a try, there are some rules you should know first.
How to order for the table
The No. 1 rule is do not order for the table if you’re bad at it. The most unattractive thing you can do at a restaurant is treat the service staff poorly. The second most unattractive thing you can do is bungle the order for everyone else. Have you ever seen a dude stumble over his words while requesting one soup and four entrees? Nightmare.
Ask everyone at the table, “Is there anything you want to make sure we get?” Order it unless you hate them.
Ask the waiter if they have one rec. Just one. If they list more than two, ignore everything they said. If they recite the full menu, don’t return.
I’ve had multiple friends point out that they’re thankful I always order a salad. Who are these people not ordering a salad at a big dinner?
Entrees are almost always meh, but sometimes, I concede, you have to order them.
Let the restaurant handle when things arrive. Don’t suggest any coursing unless asked.
Get every dessert, or at least as many as you can handle. Ask your dining companions if they want coffee or amaro.
Do not order a dish just because you saw a waiter walk past your table with it and it looked pretty. Fight the urge to give into to tablemates who say, “Can we get that?” with big eyes. It’s a consistent letdown.
Do not order steak unless you know ahead of time that you’re eating with people who all like their steak cooked to the same temp. Haggling over meat doneness at the table is the quickest way to sink a dinner into oblivion.
15 perfect restaurant orders
Alright, onto the lists. I’ve ignored considerations for table size. I think this is what you should order, and I’ve had these exact meals at least twice at each location (often more). Bring as many people as you think should consume this amount of food. Use your judgment.